I spent many years trying to figure out what triggered my suicidal episodes. There are two huge triggers for me, one is a pretty common one, the feeling of invalidation. My perspective, my heart, and my existence was not valid, not acceptable to the world, and therefore shouldn’t be here. I now know I am a quirky, difficult to understand/tolerate, outspoken woman and for some people, it’s simply too much. And I’ve grown to accept, that’s ok because not everyone has to like me.
But the one that I hear so far less talked about, either because I wonder if people are afraid to acknowledge it, or maybe it’s just my unique circumstances growing up that make me far more susceptible, is the guilt of feeling like a financial burden on other people. As a person who was faced with significant financial troubles from a young age, and I don’t know if I’m unique in this part or not, I felt responsible for my parents’ fiscal difficulties. I was cognizant at 8 years old my existence caused them money problems that would not have happened if they had not had me or chosen to get married. I saw my existence as the cascading avalanche of their financial troubles originating from my conception. And that weighed on my soul and heart so heavily that even saying it aloud, I feel like I can’t breathe. I can’t say that there is any fix for this feeling.
Money doesn’t grow on trees & you can’t undo your existence, (insert any deity here) knows I wish I could’ve figured it out so many times.
But what you can do to “make up for it” is to be a legitimate, authentic, caring, and giving human being. Because money is a concept, it’s a piece of paper that has value put to it they can come and go in a blink of an eye. The true finite resource, the only real resource that has a value that you can never get back, is time. Give your time in support of causes that you believe in, for example: giving two hours to donate blood every few months could help so many lives. Money does not replace those two hours it can’t buy blood, only pay for synthetic. Your time that you gift those around you, that matter to you, that is truly the most valuable resource in the world and I’ve found my peace in realizing that.
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